black black heart.

okay. i broke down yesterday for four bloody hours.
i cried for four hours non-stop. luckily i was alone cos its sucha burok scene which you all cant imagine. lols.
it was so dramatic. but when i think back, it was funny. haha.
i wanted to call somebody. but then i thought back... hmm. its okay.
i shall not disturb and burden them with my problems.
so i continued crying. hahaa. okay. i shall shutt up noww. lols

i even talked to myself and asked myself what happened. lols.
call me crazy. yes. i'm crazy. hahaa.
i couldnt find anyone to talk to. so i shall talk to myself.
hahaa. i guess it hurts too much. it does.
maybe, i'm being too sensitive here. but the feeling of betrayal is there.
and i just cant seem to forget about it.
and i'm trying to make things less complicated.
but the more i try to forget, the more i think abt it..
SHUCKKKKSSSSS. LOLS.

thats why i say i'm happy pretending.
i'm so happy pretending that i forgot that i'm in the world of reality.
i thought that i'm just floating around in the world of fantasy.
all alone. with nothing left.
this is life. and i repeat. its BLOODY REALITY. LOLS.

o lvls is almost over. but i feel its already over.
haha. but nehh. stil got one paper to sit for.
and i have to do well cos i screwed my physics paper bigg timeeee.
i think most ppl would agree with me right?
physics paper just suuccckksss.
mum's werking again. primary one orientation.
i dont like it when she works.
i'll be so entertained with her lame jokes. haha.

tmw then i'l be hitting town. mayb to topshop then to forever 21.
get something simple and nice.
nothing to short. mum will scream at me. lols.
then monday, i shall rot at home and study my science.
tuesday...everything's over.
and i'll be out with farah to shop fer her stuffs.
and watch daa stars with her. lols.
wednesday, there's a briefing in school which i dunno what time it would end
and mayb meet him? i dunno. lols.
too early to decide.

he dint call yesterday and i can understand why.
hmm. he is divided into two.
and i wont pressure him or anything.
i'll just let him be.
he will find me if he has the time.
if he doesnt. then its okay.
i'm used to it already. as long as he's happy.
i should be okay with everything.


dearest,
its been three years since we've known each other.
things may be tough but memories surrender.
you are torn into two and so am i.
how do you expect this relationship to survive?

you have her and you have me.
is this how you want this relationship to be?
dearest, i dont want you to leave her.
at the same time, i dont want you to leave me either.

but if things are this complicated, then i shall take a step back.
i wouldnt want her breathing down my neck.
i understand the plight you are going through.
it is tough but darling, you told me that was life.

there is two of us and there is one of you.
it will be your choice and it wont be mine.
things would be just fine.
though i know that you wont be mine.

i shall give up my love for you to be with her.
she found you first and she loved you first.
theres no space for me; no where to quench my "thirst"
it shall be you two. and there will be no me.

i'm just a nobody. but you are a somebody.
a somebody deserves a real somebody.
and someone like you dont deserve like anybody.
and anybody like me, whose just a nobody.

i'm sorry if i;ve ever hurt you in anyway.
but if you are to go away,
i wont blame you cos i understand why.
you chose her, an angel .
who would make your relationship survive.


creation by: fanaaaa.


*fanaaa.*